why "have you tried...?" is so frustrating to hear
Why "Have You Tried...?" Is the Most Frustrating Thing to Say to Someone With Eczema
Nobody who says it means any harm. That's part of what makes it so hard to explain why it stings.
There's a short list of comments almost everyone with eczema has heard, and almost everyone finds quietly exhausting. At the top of that list, by a clear margin: "Have you tried...?"
The comment isn't the problem. The assumption underneath it is.
The question itself is rarely the issue - it's the assumption baked into it: that the person hasn't already thought about this. That they haven't already tried the moisturiser, the diet change, the "have you looked into…" - probably years ago, probably several times, probably at real expense.
The deeper problem is that it underestimates the effort already put into self-care. Managing eczema day to day already means a level of research and trial-and-error most people never see - moisturisers, elimination diets, prescription creams, sleep and clothing adjustments, often over years. Being asked "have you tried X?" - especially something obvious - can feel like being told, gently but unmistakably, that you haven't taken your own condition seriously enough to have already looked. It's one of the most consistently, near-unanimously flagged frustrations in ayr's peer support sessions.
"By the time someone asks if I've 'tried moisturising,' I've already been through more products, diets and routines than they'll try in a lifetime. I just don't lead with that at a dinner party."
The rest of the greatest hits
These aren't unique to "have you tried" - a handful of other comments come up just as often in ayr's sessions:
"Oh, I know someone with eczema." Well-intentioned, meant to build connection - but it can flatten a genuinely difficult experience into something generic and comparable to someone else's mild dry patch.
Questions rooted in the myth that eczema is contagious. It isn't, obviously, but the belief still surfaces often enough to be a recurring, tiring correction to have to make.
Workplace dismissiveness. In plenty of workplaces, eczema simply isn't taken seriously as a health condition - basic things like air conditioning drying out skin go unaddressed, treated as a cosmetic inconvenience rather than something genuinely debilitating that day.
What makes these comments sting is what's already happened before anyone says a word: the mental load of getting ready for any social situation - skincare, clothing, thinking through the environment, deciding how much to explain. It's substantial and largely invisible, and it's already been spent by the time the comment lands - see the invisible mental load of living with eczema for more on where that effort actually goes, and coping with eczema flares at work for how the workplace dismissiveness point plays out day to day.
What actually helps instead
If you want to say the right thing to a friend, partner or colleague with eczema, it comes down to a few simple habits:
1. Believe that they've already tried things. No need to verify it, and no need to suggest a fix. Assume competence.
2. Ask what would actually help, rather than offering a solution. "Is there anything that makes this easier right now?" lands completely differently to "have you tried...?" - one assumes a gap in effort, the other just offers to help.
3. Let them lead on how much detail they want to share. Some want to explain the mechanics of their skin; others just want the room a bit cooler and no further questions. Both are fine.
4. Take it seriously, especially at work. A flare-up isn't just a cosmetic issue on a bad day - treating it as a minor inconvenience rather than something that can be genuinely draining makes it harder to manage, not easier.
Advocating directly - asking to turn a room's temperature down, or swap out a scratchy blanket - tends to go better than quietly enduring, and it's a shift many people with eczema make over time. Directness works best when it's led by the person actually living with the condition, not offered unprompted by someone who isn't.
Most people who say "have you tried...?" are trying to connect, not to criticise. Knowing what's actually helpful - and what tends to land badly - is the easiest way to turn good intentions into something that actually feels supportive. For a plainer, shareable way to explain the condition itself to someone who doesn't have it, see explaining eczema to people who don't have it.
This article reflects the shared, anonymised experience of members of the ayr Eczema Circle peer support group - it's peer perspective, not medical advice. If you're finding the social or emotional side of living with eczema particularly hard to manage, it's worth talking to your GP, or to a dermatologist who can also point you toward psychological support if that would help.
References
1. National Eczema Society (Eczema UK), patient resources on living with eczema - https://eczema.org/
2. NHS, "Atopic eczema," 2024 - https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/atopic-eczema/
Related reading
Everything on this page is shared experience from our peer community, not medical advice. For clinical questions, please speak to your GP, dermatologist or NHS 111.